Star Wars can explain ancient Force traditions, gigantic superweapons, and the history of entire planets. But apparently it also needs to explain why Poe Dameron’s hair is messy.
Some of the captions in DK’s sequel-era Visual Dictionaries are so painfully obvious, weirdly personal, or unnecessarily dramatic that they become hilarious. Whoever was pointing those little arrows around the page was having a great time.
Table of Contents
- Poe’s Helmet Hair Is Official Lore
- Joining the Resistance Apparently Turns Your Hair Gray
- Apparently You Can Store Personality Traits in Your Face
- Leia’s Clothes Understand the Seriousness of the Situation
- Han Bought a New Jacket and Leia Didn’t Even Notice
- Lando’s Smile Has Been Inspected and Remains Operational
- Count Dooku May Have an Even Better One
Poe’s Helmet Hair Is Official Lore
Poe Dameron’s page gives us a mystery humanity could never have solved alone:
“Tousled hair from wearing helmet.”
At last.
We know what happened.
It was the helmet.
Not battle stress. Not some mysterious side effect of hyperspace travel. Not an unexplained Force phenomenon.
Helmet.
Luke Skywalker gets the same investigative treatment:
“Hair gray with age and grown long.”
Gray hair.
Because he got older.
Incredible work, everyone.
Without the arrow, we might have assumed Luke’s hair changed color because he accidentally stood too close to Force lightning.
Then there is Rose Tico:
“Wear and tear of adventure.”
Which is an elegant way of saying:
Her clothes look rough because things happened.
Joining the Resistance Apparently Turns Your Hair Gray
Admiral Statura has possibly the greatest recruitment warning in the entire franchise:
“Premature graying, common in the Resistance.”
Not possible.
Not occasionally reported.
Common.
Apparently the Resistance onboarding package includes a uniform, access to military intelligence, and immediate damage to your hair pigmentation.
Fight the First Order today.
Look 12 years older tomorrow.
To be fair, Obi-Wan also went gray pretty quickly.
But he had two suns.
And two Skywalkers.
That will do it.
Captain Moden Canady gets something even worse:
“Worry lines publicly display private doubts.”
Sir.
Those are wrinkles.
The book looked at this man’s forehead and leaked his confidential psychological records.
Imagine spending decades building a military career only for your official encyclopedia entry to basically say:
Everyone can tell you’re nervous.
Apparently You Can Store Personality Traits in Your Face
Things get even better when the arrows stop identifying clothes and start identifying emotions.
Finn has:
“Fierce devotion to newfound friends.”
And the arrow is essentially pointing at his face.
Apparently fierce devotion is stored in the cheeks.
Rey gets:
“Focused determination and control.”
General Hux gets:
“Remorseless gaze.”
The funniest part is that you could probably swap these around.
Rey:
Remorseless gaze.
Hux:
Fierce devotion to newfound friends.
Finn:
Focused determination and control.
Publish it.
Nobody notices.
And “remorseless gaze” is especially generous to Hux.
Sometimes he looks remorseless.
Sometimes he looks like Kylo Ren just walked into the room and Hux suddenly remembered he left the oven on.
Then Unkar Plutt gets:
“Sour demeanor.”
This one is accurate.
It also sounds exactly like the name of an obscure Star Wars character.
“Who sold you that hyperdrive?”
“Sour Demeanor.”
“Is that his name?”
“I don’t know anymore.”
Leia’s Clothes Understand the Seriousness of the Situation
Leia’s outfit gets this magnificent caption:
“Muted somber colors reflect gravity of situation.”
Her clothes read the script.
Leia apparently woke up, sensed several thousand deaths through the Force, opened the wardrobe and thought:
Absolutely not wearing yellow today.
Situation: grave.
Outfit: appropriately gray.
Galaxy: collapsing.
Color coordination: flawless.
Han Bought a New Jacket and Leia Didn’t Even Notice
And then we arrive at one of the greatest pieces of Han Solo lore ever published:
“New jacket – though Leia didn’t notice.”
Excuse me?
Why is the book getting involved in their marriage?
Han and Leia have been apart for years.
Their son became Kylo Ren.
The First Order is taking over the galaxy.
Entire star systems are being destroyed.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Han’s head:
She still hasn’t mentioned the jacket.
You can practically picture him standing around the Resistance base waiting.
Leia talks about Starkiller Base.
Nothing.
Leia talks about their son.
Still nothing.
Han adjusts the collar a little.
Come on.
Notice anything?
Nothing.
Maybe Leia gets a pass, though. She also managed not to notice C-3PO’s red arm for a while.
And Han probably did not notice her haircut either.
Marriage restored.
There is also the question of whether Han actually bought this jacket.
This is Han Solo.
There is at least a 50% chance he found it somewhere on the Falcon and decided it was his.
But wherever the jacket came from, somebody clearly wanted Leia to notice it.
She didn’t.
And now that failure has been preserved in official Star Wars literature forever.
Lando’s Smile Has Been Inspected and Remains Operational
Then we reach the champion:
“Still-winning smile.”
Not “charming smile.”
Not “confident expression.”
Not even just “winning smile.”
Still-winning smile.
The word still makes it perfect.
Decades have passed.
The Empire fell.
The First Order rose.
Entire governments disappeared.
Lando got older.
But somebody had one important continuity question:
Is the smile still winning?
Inspection complete.
Yes.
Still winning.
Lando Calrissian’s smile apparently has better continuity than half the galaxy.
Count Dooku May Have an Even Better One
And we cannot talk about unnecessarily specific facial descriptions without mentioning Count Dooku:
“Signature look of superiority.”
Of course he has a signature look of superiority.
He is Count Dooku.
Christopher Lee could probably look at a sandwich and make the sandwich feel underqualified.
At this point, these captions start sounding less like reference-book descriptions and more like special attacks.
Lando uses Still-Winning Smile.
Dooku counters with Signature Look of Superiority.
Hux uses Remorseless Gaze.
It is not very effective.
Poe uses Tousled Hair From Wearing Helmet.
Critical hit.
And that is really all I want from Star Wars reference books.
Sure, tell me about lightsaber construction and obscure planetary systems.
But also make sure future generations know the truly essential lore:
Poe has helmet hair.
The Resistance makes you gray.
Han wanted Leia to notice his jacket.
Dooku knows he is better than you.
And Lando?
Still winning.